Five Years
by HalloweenJack138
Summary: Jim and Pam's anniversary celebration is interrupted when Erin makes a massive mistake that Andy might have to answer for, meanwhile Dwight contemplates brutally murdering Jim as a joke.
1. Chapter 1

****_If you like this chapter, let me know and I'll keep going..._

**Five Years**

Jim and Pam sit side-by-side looking slightly giddy.

Jim: Today is the anniversary of our first date.

Pam: Five years ago today, Jim walked into this very room and asked my out on our first date. It was pretty epic.

Jim, suddenly contemplative: Five years...

Pam: What?

Jim: It's just... when I was in Stamford, I got really drunk one night and promised the Universe or whatever that if you and me could be together for five good years, I'd be okay dying right after that.

Pam blinks.

Pam: So, basically you made a deal that best case scenario was going to leave me taking of your children alone.

Jim: I hadn't thought about that, but I guess so, yeah...

Pam: And why is this the first I'm hearing about this?

Jim: There are a host of embarrassing relics from the time I will not be discussing. Like all the songs I didn't write.

Pam: Oh, those I really want to see.

Jim: Those notebooks were burned.

Pam: Anyway, big anniversary.

Jim, nods: Huge.

x

Dwight fast-forwarded through another chunk of sickening drivel as he replayed Jim and Pam's latest confessional on his spy pen.

"... today is the anniversary of our..."

_God, they were dull_, he grimaced. Why couldn't they get onto the business at hand: revealing Jim's secret weaknesses for later exploitation.

"...if you and me could be together for five good years, I'd be okay dying right after that..."

Dwight smiled horribly.

x

Dwight: Over the years, Jim has attempted to pull pranks on me on several occasions. Being of a superior mind, I rarely fall for them, but...

He grimaces.

Dwight: ...the intention is what upsets me. I recently decided to enact my ultimate revenge using his own pranks against him.

He smiles goofily, yet horribly.

Dwight: I've been practicing my pranking skills. I borrowed Kelly's phone, then switched Ryan and her mother in the contacts...

x

Kelly, furious: He did that? I had to tell her I sent that picture to check for lumps!

x

Dwight: I gave Andy a box of condoms with tiny holes in the tips...

x

Andy, frankly terrified: Um...

x

Dwight: ...and I got Creed registered as a sex offender.

x

Creed shrugs.

Creed: Only a matter of time.

x

Dwight: I feel that I have mastering the art of pranking far greater than Jim could ever hope to.

He lifts up the spy pen.

Dwight: And now my enemy has given my the perfect opportunity to strike.

x

Andy stepped out of his office and cleared his throat dramatically. "Erin," he called, his tone low and serious, "could I see you in my office?"

Erin's whole face lit up in an impossibly bright smile as she rose from her desk. Andy shook his head and frowned deeply, trying to indicate silently that this was frowny time, but Erin misinterpreted and looked to Andy with incredibly sympathy for the pain she thought he must be feeling. Andy gave up and just indicated she should hurry.

After the door shut, Meredith asked "anyone else think they're doing it again?"

Phyllis shook her head. "Andy seemed really angry," she said, worried, "it's more likely he's actually going to fire Erin."

After an awkward moment, Creed spoke up "can't it be both?"

x

Erin, over-brimming with joy: I've been expecting Andy to get back together with me for a while now.

She smiles just a little brighter.

Erin: Sometimes, I forget that we aren't together now.

She thinks for a moment.

Erin: Just like I keep forgetting my real first name is Kelly.

x

Andy gestured for Erin to sit down and took a deep breath, steeling himself. "Erin... you know you're the most important person to me in this office.."

"I feel the same way," Erin said softly. extending a hand.

Andy shook his head and pinched his nose. "...and Robert knows that, too. So, if it looks like I'm protecting you, he's going to notice right away."

Erin's expression changed suddenly. "I'm in trouble."

Andy set a piece of paper in front of her. "Do you know what this is?"

Erin looked at it. "It was emailed to me," she explained, "you make a wish, and then you forward it to as many people as you can, and if you forward it to enough people, your wish comes true."

Andy nodded sadly. "So, you forwarded it to the entire corporate address book. Robert, all the clients... and you send it through the corporate server."

"I had to make sure it didn't register as spam," Erin explained. "If it goes into the spam folder you don't get your wish."

Andy nodded. "And you didn't check it for viruses or spyware or anything."

"If you check it for viruses, you don't get your wish," Erin explained.

Andy took another breath. "Kiddo, this is pretty serious... after Kevin crashed the server trying to order a Russian bride they've really started to watch this branch's internet use... Robert's not going to be happy with this and he's not going to let me go easy on you."

Erin opened her mouth to say something, but decided against it.

x

Erin, sadly: In my defense, I knew it was a really stupid idea... I just had a wish I really wanted to come true.

x

Deep in the reptilian centers of his mid-brain, Dwight planned. When should he strike with his ultimate prank? What form should it take? Should he actually kill Jim, or would that be taking the joke "too far?"

And then it struck him. The perfect prank to pull on Jim. It was only a matter of being alone with him at the right time. He just had to wait for an opportunity to get both of them out of the office.

x

Andy: Firing Erin... would be the most difficult thing I'd ever have to do in my life. I'd have an easier time pulling the plug on my dad.

Pause.

Andy: I mean, at least with that I'd finally have his respect...

x

"So, I'm wondering what you have planned for the evening," Pam said playfully.

"Oh, are you?" Jim replied in kind.

"I know it will have to be something pretty impressive to make up for the last five years," Pam replied, "and since you're apparently planning on dying tomorrow..."

"Well Pam, I can't reveal exactly what I have planned, but..."

They were interrupted by the muffled sound of a receptionist repeatedly hitting herself lightly on the head while saying "stupid, stupid, stupid" over and over again.

"Are you okay, Erin?" Pam asked, genuinely concerned.

"I did something really stupid," Erin explained.

"Well, we've all done stupid things, Erin," Jim said reassuringly. "I mean, just yesterday, I..."

Erin shook her head rapidly. "No, this was really stupid..." Erin quickly explained the situation.

Jim tried his best to avoid saying "yikes."

"Well, okay, that's a pretty big mistake," Pam admitted, "but maybe there's something we can still do about it."

Erin thought for a moment. "I could travel to Robert in person and try to convince him to give me one wish, like girl I used to pretend to be who had to see the Wizard for help."

"You mean Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz?" Pam asked.

"The game I played was called Princess Q-Tip in the Popsicle Stick City," Erin replied. "What's the Wizard of Oz?"

"Same basic themes," Pam guessed.

"Okay... so I'll just find Robert..." Erin began.

"He's visiting the Nashua Branch today," Jim reminded her.

Erin nodded, she sometimes forgot there were still other branches as well. "Well, then I'll go to Nashua," she said simply.

"We'll go together," Pam insisted looking meaningfully at Jim.

x

Pam: I really don't want Erin to have to travel alone.

Pause.

Pam: She got her driver's license because the instructor thought she was "too adorable to fail."

Pause.

Pam: And she considers that an achievement.

x

Jim: I kind of had a lot of plans for tonight that in no way involved getting home from Nashua at three in the morning... but they also involved my spouse speaking to me, so...

x

"Okay, I guess I can call your mom to watch the kids and we can spend a romantic night in Nashua," Jim reluctantly capitulated.

"Wonderful," Dwight said, hugging Jim and Pam uncomfortably tightly. "Let's hit the road."

x

Dwight: Jim is going to find this trip... to die for!

He attempts a cartoonish laugh.

x

Darryl was in the middle of a fairly important inventory review when Andy wandered into his office aimlessly.

"Hey... D-Dog..." he mumbled miserably.

"Hey Andy," Darryl said brusquely. "What's up, man?"

Andy took a deep breath. "Well..."

Darryl looked at him expectantly.

Andy lowered his head. "I was thinking about sneaking away to my car to cry alone for a while, but... that's the Old Andy, so I came to see you."

Darryl shook his head, clearly he wasn't going to get his work done any time soon. "What's got you down?"

Andy briefly explained the situation. "... and now I'm pretty sure Robert is going to make me fire Erin."

Darryl nodded. "Andy, when you first started working here... I gotta admit, you were a little goofy."

Andy realized he couldn't really challenge that and remained silent.

"...But over the years, you've proved that you're a man," Darryl continued, "and a man... fights for his woman."

Andy nodded proudly. "Amen he does."

Darryl nodded. "You've got to stand up to Robert California and convince him Erin deserves to keep her job."

"Yuh-yeah!" Andy shouted exuberantly.

Pause.

"I can't really think of an argument that wouldn't end up with Erin being fired, though," Andy admitted.

Darryl nodded. "This is gonna take some thought."

_To be continued?_


	2. Chapter 2

After nearly an hour of brainstorming, Andy and Darryl were still out of reach of a brilliant plan to save Erin.

"What if..." Andy said slowly "I fall on my sword and take the blame for Erin. Let Robert fire me instead."

Darryl blinked. "Assuming he didn't just fire Erin anyway, what's your plan from there? Move in with her and live off her fat receptionist salary?"

"Yeah, kinda think my girlfriend would have a problem with that," Andy laughed.

"Yeah," Darryl said meaningfully, "I kinda imagine she would."

x

Darryl: It's kind of a messy situation, but... Andy's my boy and besides...

Shy shrug.

Darryl: ...I guess I know what it's like to be in a dance like that with your ex.

x

Trapped in the backseat of his own car with Dwight, Jim watched helplessly as his wife coached Erin from the driver's seat.

"Okay, so you need to think really carefully about what you need to say to Robert," Pam emphasized.

Erin thought for a moment. "Do you think I should sing a song?"

Pam paused. "Well, that's one way to go... but I think you should focus on using your words."

"But it always works on Glee," Erin argued.

"I know," Pam said comfortingly. "But try to think of what you bring to the office. What can you do that no one else can?"

Erin thought for a moment. "Can you do it for me? You're so much better at this kind of thing."

In the back seat, Jim slumped over.

x

Jim, visibly frustrated: Five years ago today, I asked my best friend out on a date. And before I knew it, she became my girlfriend, then my wife, the mother of my children...

Pause.

Jim: I finally got something I'd been dreaming about for years... something that I was apparently willing to die for...

Pause.

Jim: ...And it was so much better than I ever could have imagined.

He smiles, clearly pissed.

Jim: And I am commemorating that occasion by sitting next to Dwight for an five hour road trip.

x

After the third hour of stuck an arm's length away from the woman of his dreams, Jim was starting to get tense. He frankly felt like that phase of his life was behind him.

He turned to Dwight, who was busy with his Sabre Pyramid. "Hey, do you have Angry Birds on that thing?" Jim asked.

Dwight shook his head. "We couldn't get the rights to it."

Jim twerked. "What do you mean we couldn't get the rights? You can get that game on, like, wristwatches and cash registers now."

Dwight shrugged.

"Well, do you have any movies or anything on it?" Jim asked.

"It doesn't have the memory," Dwight explained. "I have Web MD, though. Let's take turns diagnosing each other."

"I would hate that," Jim said.

"Let's see," Dwight said cheerfully. "Jim... you seem listless, irritable, high blood pressure... have you had trouble sleeping lately?"

"I have two small children, Dwight," Jim said simply.

Dwight nodded. "Hmm, let me check this for you..." he pretended to rapidly tap on his Pyramid. "Hmm... according to this, you're dying of consumption."

"I'm not dying of consumption, Dwight."

Dwight pretended to check his Pyramid again. "Oh, no, you're right," he said calmly. "You actually have... bubonic plague. My mistake."

Jim attempted to shrink down within himself to avoid Dwight.

x

Back in the front of the car, Erin was fluctuating between moments of lucidity between sessions of hyperventilation.

"It's going to be okay, Erin," Pam assured her.

Erin pulled herself back and took a breath. "I mean, I know I could probably find another job right away," she said.

"Of course," Pam said, despite not being so sure.

"But I really like working there," Erin continued. "Making copies, sending faxes..."

Erin smiled. "And I always hoped that I could do what you did and advance through the company... then move laterally to another position if I wasn't good at the first one if that didn't work out," Erin said innocently.

"Right..." Pam replied slowly.

"I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't have to get up every day, get dressed, and go into work," Erin continued. "That's kind of what I plan my whole day around."

"Well, it that makes sense..." Pam replied.

"And I don't know how I could deal with not seeing all you guys all the time," Erin admitted. "You guys are like my best friends."

Pam nodded, feeling more than a little awkward at this confession. "You know no matter what happens, you can still see all of us." She thought for a moment, then added "even Andy."

Erin shook her head. "It's a lot easier to realize you love someone when you see them every day."

Pam nodded, she certainly couldn't argue that one.

x

Pam, slowly: "Do I think I relate a little too much to Erin?"

She pauses, clearly terrified.

x

After several hours of checking, Dwight's periodic glances through the rear windshield paid off and he noticed another vehicle in mad pursuit.

"Oh my god, Jim!" he shouted theatrically. "There's a hearse following us!"

"Of course there is," Jim said, not looking back.

"And who is that behind the wheel?" Dwight asked.

"I would say probably Mose... maybe Nate," Jim said.

"It's a mysterious figure, dressed all in black!" Dwight shouted.

"Can Mose drive?" Jim asked.

Dwight's face slumped. "He can drive a tractor."

"But is he licensed?" Jim replied.

Dwight turned around and waved to the grim specter of death to call it off.

x

Dwight, simply: I own my a hearse.

x

"Okay," Andy said, "you guys are the smartest people in the office and you need to help me figure out how to save Erin."

"I don't know that she'll really be fired... Michael's gotten away with worse than this," Phyllis pointed out.

"Michael had the sales to back it up," Oscar replied frankly. "We all like Erin, but she doesn't have the best track record as a receptionist."

"Why would anyone fire Erin?" Kevin asked, poking his head in, "her boobs are so big."

"They are big for a skinny girl," Darryl agreed quietly.

"But those get you the job, they don't keep you the job," Phyllis said sagely.

Andy shook his head. "Look, thanks for helping me out, you guys, but we all know what I have to do... I just to do this myself, and if Robert says I'm too close... well, I'll just tell him why."

He rose heroically to his feet, then realized he was in his own office.

x

Andy: There is a very big chance that I'm doing something very stupid right now.

Pause.

Andy: But everything I've done for Erin has been kind of stupid.

Pause.

Andy: And one of them's due to work out for me.


	3. Chapter 3

Twenty-five minutes had passed since they arrived in Nashua and Erin had spent all twenty-five of them in the bathroom. Jim had tried to enjoy the respite as the only moment he'd been alone with his wife, but she was clearly too worried about Erin to focus on anything else.

"Do you want to check on her?" Jim asked.

Pam shook her head. "I think she's just psyching herself up."

"Okay," Jim agreed.

Two seconds passed.

Pam looked at her watch. "I'm going to check on it."

Jim nodded. When she was gone, he exhaled heavily. God, this day went off the rails, he thought, even by Dunder Mifflin standards. All he wanted was to spend the evening alone with his wife. In his tub. Was that so much to

"Arrgh bargla baal!" Dwight screamed as jumped out from nowhere and started pummeling Jim.

"Dwight, what the hell?" Jim shouted, trying to still the clearly insane salesman.

"You made a deal with powers you couldn't fathom, now you must pay the price!" Dwight screamed.

"Dwight!"

x

Jim is visibly shaken.

Jim: Why?

Pause.

Jim: Just... why?

x

When Pam found Erin, she was in the process of washing her hands.

"Are you okay, Erin?" Pam asked.

Erin nodded. "Sometimes when I get nervous, I think I'm done and then I realize that I still have to go... oh!"

And she turned back to the stall.

Pam stopped her. "Erin, I know you're scared, but you just have to face this head-on."

"I'm sorry, Pam," Erin said. "I'm just not as brave as you."

Pam smiled. "I'm not sure about that."

Erin smiled brightly.

"Come on," Pam said, "Robert's waiting."

x

Pam: I think Erin's going to okay.

x

Pam decided not to ask why Jim and Dwight were rumpled and bloody, being oddly used to this type of thing at this point. "Come on," she said drawing him up from where he was seated.

Her husband stared straight ahead with terrified, unblinking eyes. "He was like a hurricane."

"I know, I know," she said.

They proceeded through the door to the conference room where their boss was waiting for them.

"Um, hi Robert," Erin began nervously.

"Erin," Robert California recognized, "I'm glad your here, I've been planning to have a very rapid conversation with you."

"You got the email," Erin said nervously.

"I did," Robert California acknowledged. "As the dozens of emails in response to it. Frankly I'm surprised to discover that our clientele are playing such close attention to our correspondences. It doesn't track with the information we've received up to this point."

"I just had something to say to you," Erin said, somehow becoming five years old, "you know, before you fired me."

"I admire your ability to establish a consistent timeframe," Robert California replied. "Please continue."

Erin nodded, gaining some strength. "Well, a little while ago, I made a really stupid mistake..." she took a breath.

"I was going out with the best guy in the world... and I got hurt and angry and I dumped him," she admitted. "And since then I've realized just how much I really love him."

A silence settled in.

Robert California blinked. "You realize I can't order Andy to date you, right?"

"I know that," Erin said.

"I mean, I did have myself ordained, so I could marry the two of you in case of emergencies, but..." he continued. "Certainly wouldn't hurt to keep him distracted from my wife..."

"That's not what I'm asking for," Erin said more forcefully. "I'm just trying to establish my frame of mind."

Everyone was silent.

"When I broke up with Andy, I made the biggest mistake of my life," Erin said. "I had the best thing I could ever hope and I gave it up. And then I had to go through my day knowing what I had, and... all I wanted was just to have Andy back. So, I did something really stupid. I made a wish that if I could have Andy back, and I bet my job on it, and now I'm really worried that I'm not going to get either."

After another moment, Robert California unmuted his speakerphone. "Did you get all that Andy?"

"Uh... yeah," Andy's voice awkwardly cracked over the phone.

Erin, Jim, and Pam exchanged awkward glances.

"Andy has been spending the last twenty-five minutes trying to convince me that you deserved to keep your job," Robert California said. "Not that it was really in danger, again not going to let anyone capable of distracting Andy go so easily... I kind of stopped paying attention to most of it but through it all one thing kept coming through: the feelings he obviously has for you."

Erin broke out smiling. "Really?"

"So, you see, Erin, you had what you were wishing for all along," Robert California said.

"So, Erin's not going to be fired?" Pam asked.

"Well, she was never going to be fired," Robert California said, then much lower added "oh, she'll be disciplined and the noose is definitely going to tighten on all of you..." then returning to audibility added "but I'd never fire her over something like that."

Pam and Erin shared a light hug.

"And so we see that Pam's wish is also granted," Robert California said. "Jim, is there anything I can help you with?" Robert California asked.

"I just wanted to spent my anniversary with my wife," Jim lamented.

"And so you have," Robert California said, gesturing to Pam. "Wish granted."

"No, wait..." Jim said.

But Robert California had already moved on. "But what about you Dwight?"

"I just wanted to prank Jim," Dwight said glumly.

Robert California nodded. "But why?"

"I wanted him to be miserable," Dwight explained.

"And is he miserable?" Robert California asked. "On what should be a day of celebration for him?"

Dwight looked at Jim. He did indeed seem miserable.

"Another wish granted," Robert California said.

Dwight's face lit up in a hideous, jack o'lantern-eqsue grin.

"Now, with everyone's fondest wish granted, disappear into the night, I believe Erin and Andy have some personal business to discuss. And I have a lot of work to do before dawn," Robert California said in a tone that made it clear there was no room for further conversation.

When the others were safely out of earshot, Jim approached Robert California quietly. "Hey, Robert, I was wondering if you could do one more thing for me?"

**Epilogue**

Later that night, Jim was behind the wheel. With Dwight safely passed out in the back drooling on an Erin that was too invested in her excited phone call to Andy to notice, Jim finally had his wife at his side.

"Day's almost over and you're still alive," Pam said softly.

Jim nodded, "I guess I get to have my cake and eat it, too."

"Always nice when that gets to happen," Pam said, looking back at Erin.

Jim theatrically pretended to look down at the dashboard. "Low on gas, though. Better stop here."

Pam didn't question him even though the tank was about half full. He pulled the car into the station and gestured for Pam to follow him out.

"So, it's not our gas station," Jim said. "But it is _a_ gas station... so I thought this would be the perfect place for this."

He reached pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed. "Jim?" Robert California's voice broke through. "Are we doing this?"

"Absolutely," Jim said.

"Okay, so we're here to renew the vows of James and Pamela Halpert," Robert California droned. "I woke up my gardener to serve as witness, he's on conference..."

Jim and Pam exchanged their greetings with Robert California's gardener, then indicated they were ready to begin.

"Okay, the renewal of vows is a sacred occasion, basically it confirms that both parties feel their marriage wasn't a hideous mistake. If I could start by telling a story from my boyhood..."

Robert California continued his story, but Pam and Jim had long since stopped listening.

x

Pam: Pretty okay anniversary.

Jim: Looking forward to the next five.

At that point, Dwight jumped out off camera and lunged at Jim.

Dwight: Raah!

Pam: Dwight, no!

**The End**


End file.
